I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
