The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
