also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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