i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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