I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
