I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
