So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
