I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
