In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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