All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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