Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
