If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
