I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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