I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
