Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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