i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
