I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
