Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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