What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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