i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
