I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
