Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
