I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
