This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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