Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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