mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Floor bacon is actually really good
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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