Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
