found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
