I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
