I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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