dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
God I need to hump something, right now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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