So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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