guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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