I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We don't watch enough power rangers
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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