So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
