when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
