when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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