i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
