he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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