got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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