when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
