That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
