you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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