My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
