Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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