Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
