Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
