when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
