im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
