Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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