life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
