so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
