Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
