Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
