census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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