who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
