I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
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