I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
