Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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