It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
