It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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