i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hippo gnu deer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
