If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
