Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
